Wednesday 26 May 2010

How Do I Build My Self Confidence?

I wrote this answer to a Yahoo question from a young person suffering with low self confidence, and it was chosen as the Best Answer - so I thought some of my readers here might benefit from it too.
The reason why most of these answers won't help you much, is that they involve what you'll consider to be lying. It's no good telling yourself you're not ugly, when you're pretty darn sure that you are, and the mirror seems to agree with you.

And it's no good hearing that no one cares, because YOU care, and you can't accept that THEY don't.

So what's to do then?

I encourage you to look very carefully at the people you consider to be not ugly. Look at their facial features - are they perfect? Think about your overall impression of them - do they come across as confident? Chances are that many of the people who you think look OK are in fact far from perfect, and that their good looks are actually down to careful grooming and a confident manner - standing straight, smiling, making eye contact etc.

When you look in the mirror, chances are you don't see those things becuase you don't do those things. So I would encourage you to start doing them today.

Confidence is a chicken-and-egg thing. You'll be confident when people seem to like you, but they won't start seeming to like you until you are confident.

To break this cycle demands a rational understanding of what's going on, a focussed attention to your thinking and to events in the world, and above all (the killer) taking risks - which needs courage - the last thing you feel like showing when you feel so down on yourself.

But it can be done.

There is a lot of free stuff on my website which can help you.

Good Luck,


Tuesday 25 May 2010

Who Needs UGLY?

How do you see yourself? How do you imagine others see you? Are you happy when you think about that? If not, then you probably have a self-image issue.

It's possible that your appearance really is an issue, but it's far more likely that it's your feelings which are the issue causing the problems. And you can't fix those with a diet, surgery or grooming. Feelings are seldom entirely rational; they resist rational thinking. We have to use other techniques.

There is a lot of free material about those on my website self help area, but in the meantime, dare to have faith - be fully you - and here's little Yoshi.

Tuesday 4 May 2010

Trapping YourSelf with FEAR

The really big obstacles in our lives are often put there by ourselves, and they are all driven by FEAR, which it's useful to think of as the achronym:


Deciding to opt for coaching can be a stressful decision as my postbag often shows. The stress is all about fear (expectation which isn't real). Resistance surfaces in many forms, and is usually based on a false premise which I am happy to illuminate.

Anna wrote to me this morning:
It makes a lot of sense when i read [your newsletters], but it also makes you feel that you have to rely on others to decide which road you take. as if you cannot or are unable to think for yourself, or maybe i am just used to doing things the hard way ;-)
 This is quite a common concern. People think that coaching means entering into a dependent relationship, which in turn raises the concerns that (a) they see it as an admission of weakness and (b) they may struggle to leave it.

Both of these concerns are ill-founded, as I was happy to explain to Anna:
Hello Anna.
I noted your comments about your reluctance to rely on others. I can understand that, but it can be a kind of trap.
In most aspects of life - we learn from others and integrate their strengths into our own lives. People exist in inter-dependent relationships. We spend our lives (hopefully) learning and growing. These are not symptoms of dependency but of growth, and are to be nurtured.

If we keep on doing what we've always done, then we'll keep on getting what we've always got.

Sometimes it's very hard to change alone. Good coaches do not give people answers and create dependencies, rather they give new techniques and perspectives to allow people to grow independently. The best coaching relationships are short ones!

I wish you well on your journey Anna

Best Wishes,
If you are thinking of coaching but aren't entirely sure, the easiest way to explore is to book an initial phone consultation.