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About what it's like being in your head and in the world. Real-life, really practical ways to deal better with your life.
"I have no social life".Now invert it to become:
"I have a socal life".- not quite rocket science yet, but we have just made a negative into a positive, and at least, it turns our attention from the problem to a goal.
"oh I can see what comes next, but really - what's the point? It isn't going to happen anyway, I mean, I'm X Y and Z ("bad things"), and I've spent this long in abject failure mode, so I can't really buy into the notion of change".To quote Descarte:
Cogito ergo sum or I think therefore I am
I believe, therefore I do- and by that I mean that our beliefs drive our behaviour, and that behaviour defines our lives.
wherever you go - there you are- so if you're submerging real issues under false ones which move you away - you'll take the real ones with you - and when you get there - they'll be too.
When you've tried everything - remember this: you haven't
The illustrations and the captions are from the book "Be Happy: A Little Book to Help You Live a Happy Life" (2007) by Monica Sheehan. The music is "Cuore di Sabbia" (Sand Heart) by Pasquale Catalano, from the soundtrack of the movie "Mine Vaganti" (2010) (Loose Cannons) directed by Ferzan OzpetekThe message is wonderful in its insightful simplicity. You might want to take a copy and put it somewhere prominent for a time. Even better, put bits of it in your diary and act on them regularly. Diaries are as great way to stitch dreams into your realisty - to good intentions into good actions. Why not allocate each one to its own week; have a "selt goals" week, a "dance" week, and so on? Some area easier to translate into dated doables than others, and those that aren't could be turned into awareness raisers - like a PostIt note on your bathroom mirror.
Be happy
Show up
Follow your heart
Find a new perspective
Have a sense of wonder...
Find people you love...
Set goals
Help Others
Dance
Pamper yourself...
Face your fears...
Go to a museum
Exercise
Limit television
Get in touch with nature
Lighten up
Get a good night's sleep
Read books
Buy yourself flowers
Don't compare yourself with others
Don't beat yourself up
Be open to new ideas
Don't focus on negative thoughts...
...Focus on creating what you desire
Make time just to have fun
Keep the romance in your life
Make a gratitude list
Love your Mother Earth
Want what you have
Be true to yourself
I'd like to be living life to the full
I always wanted to be someone,Also - there's:
but I should have been more specific
a plan without date is just a dream
If you fail to plan, then you plan to failSame idea. Most of us have dreams which never materialise, and one big reason is our lack of specificity.
"if I could fix ONE of these areas, thinking about how they relate to eachother, which one would bring the best positive change to my life?"There are big benefits to this approach:
Don't sit waiting for perfect - if you see better, go for it.
How can I improve self confidence when I am ugly? I am balding and fat?
I am fat and bald and I can't get a girl, whats more I am a nice guy so my chances go right out the windown cause i hear chicks like the vad boy, they like guys who treat them like $hit. My mum didnt raise me to be like that to women.
Hi Chris,
I'm fine, thanks...
Please see [my survey] responses below in blue.
1. How do you rate this service - marks out of 10 - 10 being excellent?
7
2. How could I improve this service for you?
Each occasion felt a bit rushed. Not necessarily because of anything said. Somehow, having just 45 minutes to do the work needed, means that there's immediate pressure to achieve results. Suggest offering a whole hour - that extra 15 minutes could make an important psychological difference. Maybe reduce the content of newsletters (I do appreciate them, but don't always read everything) and pass the time saved on to clients.Here's the dialogue which followed:
3. What other services would you use if I made them available (indicate price where appropriate)?
I know coaching effectively relies on the coachee being focused and pro active in thier own sessions (leading sessions in their own way as they are paying for your services), however, I wonder if everyone who wants coaching is completely ready from the start. For myself (looking back) - it could have been helpful to feel relaxed enough to explore & address those feelings of urgency a bit more. Since this (counselling) is a job which requires a different, but just as technical, skill - price would need to be about the same.
4. What other comments do you have?
I am not sure that my 3 sessions have been as effective as expected. Certainly, doing the work on values was very useful, but apart from that, I don't feel that I have a much clearer view of where I want to be looking for a different path. I left our sessions with a some direction - to scan different career/new job paths and to get back in touch if I felt I needed to. So far, I have not had the ureka moment I had hoped for, and don't feel I can justify the cost of more coaching. I'm wondering if coaching was the right thing for me at the time I embarked on it.
Hope that's helpful....Elisabeth
Regards
Elisabeth
Hi Elizabeth,
Thanks for your time in completing the survey. I'd like to respond to give you my take on things and demonstrate that I'm paying attention, to show you what I've done to make things better and sometimes to invite further dialogue.
On the hurrying issue, I was very aware of this and I recall that we spoke about it. It crops up now and then, and usually a comment or two from me will fix it. But I currently have a client who I am struggling with in the same way. He won't get the hint. On the one hand, I want to give you what you want from the sessions, but I also want to give you value for money and in this connection, I note your later comment about not really getting much, which I'll come back to.
I've given this a lot of thought. I have added a note to the coaching agreement as follows:
12. A NOTE ABOUT TALKING: Your session is for you. You’ve paid for it, and you can use it as you choose. If you want to vent about your situation or roam freely through ideas then you’re welcome to, and it’s sometimes very useful. People often feel they are helping when they give me a complete background – a total brain dump. But please understand that when you do this, you have taken control of the session and disabled my coaching. If I try to interject to bring us back on track, people can take offence or feel rushed, which can and break rapport. You are paying more than a pound per minute; coaching works best when you listen to the questions and answer them with appropriate length. When you have answered the question – stop! If I need more I can ask for it.
On your suggestion of hour-long sessions. Firstly, I don't think it would solve the problem; people tend to overrun whatever boundaries they are given. Secondly, it would mean I could no longer schedule on-the-hour appointments - the chat about homework and next appointment would overflow to maybe 10 past the next hour. The main newsletters are all already written and in a database, so there is no ongoing effort for me in sending them out. I do voluntarily overrun sometimes - if I think we need to reach a point we haven't and there are no operational reasons to preclude the overrun.
I'm not sure I understand your second comment fully. I think you are proposing that I move into counselling mode if it becomes clear the client wants to speak reflectively at length. I am not a councillor, but perhaps the coaching agreement clause above might help. I can allude to it and tactfully and give the choice to the client.
On your third comment, I'm sorry you didn't find as much value as you had hoped. This is the cleft stick I'm in! I also wanted more progress for you, but I knew my "re-focusing" was seen as unwelcome hurrying, so I felt I had to let large chunks of our sessions go by whilst you spoke at length on things which I felt would not take us anywhere helpful.
Well, my solution (the agreement clause) is far from perfect. I'd welcome other ideas if you have them. IN the meantime I would be happy to give you a free session to try to get you some more progress if you like.
I would like to post this dialogue to my testimonials page, Elizabeth. (seems only fair - I post the good stuff!). Would you be OK with that? I'd change your name.
Best Wishes,
Chris
Chris,So, this is a good illustration of how negative feedback is a really great thing - it's one of the dominant mechanisms for making things better - which is also known as growth. I also wanted to give you more insights into what really happens in coaching.
What you say makes sense - and confirms my thought that I sought coaching too soon.
I was looking for that moment when everything would just slot into place and I would just know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
The truth is that my situation is still too 'crowded' with emotion and my life remains 'on hold' for the present. In my case, coaching was difficult for me because I had a need to talk through stuff and (I sense) frustrating (in respect of your genuine desire to help me find my solutions) for you.
Counselling - the completely opposite discipline to life coaching - whilst also client led, is concerned wholly with giving time and space to explore feelings. The first things one learns about counselling are to keep quiet and not lead the client on to a subject they are not ready to discuss.
This is what I now know I need.
Your new note for your coaching agreement expresses exactly what it needs to. I might not have used the term 'brain dump', and favoured something more like 'off loading'.
I'm a great believer in offering feedback when it is requested (and sometimes when it is not !), so I am glad if this helps others come to a decision about their readiness to have coaching. Accordingly, I'm very happy for you to use this on your testimonials page - and don't mind if you use my real name (it is quite common after all) - unless it's your company's policy not to.
As for your kind offer of a free session - thank you very much, but can we take a rain check on it ?
Can we agree, that if I haven't contacted you by the end of this year - we can assume that I won't need it or have procrastinated so often that my time will be 'up' ? Either way, you can then be 'released' from your commitment to offer of a free session.
Every experience can be looked at in a positive way, and I continue my life's journey with some good stuff from being coached.
Best regards
Elisabeth
Hi James,
You've managed to do a big and difficult thing. All the more difficult because a large factor in your decision was your own life journey and what you want from it. "Selfish" has become a dirty word in our society, but that's just wrong. In a world where we all live once then die, NOT to be selfish is to deny control, responsibility, and potential - to turn your back on what might be.
You're right - Julie's improvement is a response to your actions. In life, we tend to settle into stable states (stable in the engineering sense - it doesn't imply "good"), and it often tales quite large forces to de-stabilise the other components enough to get change. After the change, a new stable state develops (there may be some cascade changes along the way). That's another formulation of my favourite "Keep doing what you've always done, and you'll keep getting what you've always got", which I keep coming back to as a fundamental truth for us all.
You did something very different, and it took a lot of courage.
What happens now will be interesting and could very well be wonderful in ways that surprise all concerned. I hope so. I know you'll be watching closely, trying to steer a good course between the icebergs.
Take Care, do feel free to write from time to time if it's useful to you.
Cheers,
Chris
The reason why most of these answers won't help you much, is that they involve what you'll consider to be lying. It's no good telling yourself you're not ugly, when you're pretty darn sure that you are, and the mirror seems to agree with you.
And it's no good hearing that no one cares, because YOU care, and you can't accept that THEY don't.
So what's to do then?
I encourage you to look very carefully at the people you consider to be not ugly. Look at their facial features - are they perfect? Think about your overall impression of them - do they come across as confident? Chances are that many of the people who you think look OK are in fact far from perfect, and that their good looks are actually down to careful grooming and a confident manner - standing straight, smiling, making eye contact etc.
When you look in the mirror, chances are you don't see those things becuase you don't do those things. So I would encourage you to start doing them today.
Confidence is a chicken-and-egg thing. You'll be confident when people seem to like you, but they won't start seeming to like you until you are confident.
To break this cycle demands a rational understanding of what's going on, a focussed attention to your thinking and to events in the world, and above all (the killer) taking risks - which needs courage - the last thing you feel like showing when you feel so down on yourself.
But it can be done.
There is a lot of free stuff on my website which can help you.
Good Luck,
Chris
It makes a lot of sense when i read [your newsletters], but it also makes you feel that you have to rely on others to decide which road you take. as if you cannot or are unable to think for yourself, or maybe i am just used to doing things the hard way ;-)This is quite a common concern. People think that coaching means entering into a dependent relationship, which in turn raises the concerns that (a) they see it as an admission of weakness and (b) they may struggle to leave it.
Hello Anna.
I noted your comments about your reluctance to rely on others. I can understand that, but it can be a kind of trap.
In most aspects of life - we learn from others and integrate their strengths into our own lives. People exist in inter-dependent relationships. We spend our lives (hopefully) learning and growing. These are not symptoms of dependency but of growth, and are to be nurtured.If you are thinking of coaching but aren't entirely sure, the easiest way to explore is to book an initial phone consultation.
If we keep on doing what we've always done, then we'll keep on getting what we've always got.
Sometimes it's very hard to change alone. Good coaches do not give people answers and create dependencies, rather they give new techniques and perspectives to allow people to grow independently. The best coaching relationships are short ones!
I wish you well on your journey Anna
Best Wishes,
Chris